


South Park: The Sugar Prohibition

by Greyisles, Okami_117



Category: South Park
Genre: So many things may happen... it'll be kinda a cluster-truck to be a bit honest, South Park: The Fractured But Whole, it comes after it really...., too many ideas!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 21:49:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19186087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greyisles/pseuds/Greyisles, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Okami_117/pseuds/Okami_117
Summary: The New Kid is going on another adventure, but this time the stakes are are raised, but not without some insane shenanigans along the way.





	1. Previously on The Fractured But Whole

**Author's Note:**

> Alright this be interesting thing we'll be putting up on here, but it is fun writing this one. I personally will be working on another writing project, but both me and Greyisles will still do our best on Wolf of the Signless. We hope you enjoy this story guys!

It was only two weeks ago when the Coon and Friends joined forces with the Freedom Pals to stop a crime syndicate from destroying South Park, only to be betrayed by one of their own. The one who had betrayed them was none other than the Coon, with only greed and selfishness as the reason, and it was soon to be discovered as the crime syndicate’s ring leader. He used a hand-puppet he called Mitch Connor to manipulate the Italians, the Chinese, the police force, meth-heads, and the sixth graders into stealing cats and raising crime in the town. As this was happening, he started attacking the town on another front, the Mayor election. The Coon was tired, tired of waiting until the end of the year for presents, a feast, no school, and no rules. He had to target the local government because he wanted, needed, every day to be Christmas. while he was convincing the local government and its citizens to place him as Mayor to make everyday Christmas. The Freedom Pals saw of what South Park has become under the new rule of Mitch Connor.  
The Freedom Pals accidentally went too far into the future. Saw the chaos of adults being high and drunk with no care in the world. So many people lined up outside the abortion clinic. Shops closed down because they were raided. Their only hope was a prayer, so they shot Santa out of the sky. With his help of defeating the Satanists, the Freedom Pals managed to get to the abortion clinic to fix a…fractured butthole. With that fixed, the New Kid took them so far back in the past that they had to fight their past selves who were still playing the Stick of Truth! After defeating themselves, they went to Cartman’s house to confront him.  
When the did however, the Coon was still playing that the hand-puppet wasn’t him and, after a bit of arguing, punched the New Kid in the solar plexus. This made the New Kid fart so hard that they went to the New Kid’s childhood, it was a more…peaceful time in their life. It was there that the New Kid’s parents confessed as to why they were constantly on the move, why they were always fighting, and… why the food was always tasted weird, like week old cafeteria food. Understanding their past and believing in themselves, the New Kid farted again, but just a few moments before “Mitch Connor” gets sworn into office. They had to fight again, but the Coon managed to slip away during the fight. The Freedom Pals all hurried to the park, making it in time to both stop the madness and to expose the plan “Mitch” had made as well as the fact that “Mitch” was Cartman. But with the adults being friggin idiots, the Coon made it seem like Mitch Connor got murdered by another hand-puppet to avoid getting into trouble.  
It was a shitty cop out in the Freedom Pals’ opinion, seeing the adults believing the bullshit pulled on them. The New Kid heads home, trying to see what difference in the timeline they created. It wasn’t much, but it affecting New Kid profoundly. Their parents were...getting along. New Kid heads upstairs in a trance, trying to remember when was the last time their parents did not drink Member berry wine or eat pot brownies just to forget their troubles when they heard Professor Chaos speak. New Kid will always remember the words Chaos told them, no matter what they do, their father always fucked their mom.  
They only remembered that because unlike Professor Chaos and the Coon they know where babies come from. It was the day they cracked a smile because the adults may be stupid, but some of their idiocy rubs onto their kids.  
Hours later, the adults went to the next town to get their fix for cat piss, free alcohol, and drugs. This made the Freedom Pals both relieved and pissed off; the Coon should’ve been punished for what he did, not be disregarded as like some passing fancy, drunken blackout, or even like a minuscule mistake!  
After that fiasco, the Freedom Pals got together to decide on the Coon’s fate. They would still let him play, but he’d be kept on a very very short leash. They did this so that there wouldn’t be a repeat of last time, something about Cthulhu, an oil rig drill, a cult, and a person named Mint-Berry Crunch…Once that was handled, we spent the next two days going to school like normal. But it wasn’t normal given that many of the adults were extremely high strung due to drug withdrawal. The more that they hadn’t be consuming the tainted drinks and drugs, the more antsy and hungry they were. Though they seemed to be only going after things with a high sugar count or energy output...  
Once this was noticed, the mayor declared a sugar tax since the town needed both the funding to build and fix up the whole place. This pissed off many people, particularly the kids who practically ate and drank the stuff.  
This is the New Kid’s…my story. It begins with me at school the day before the weekend starts and just hoping, hoping that nothing else bat-shit crazy happens. It’s South Park, something is always creeping in the distance to destroy the fragile peace.


	2. Crouching Hunter

The school bell rings and our teacher yells, “Ok children, make sure you do your homework this weekend and read the first two chapters on the Seven Years War!” 

None of us paid attention to her, it was officially the weekend for God’s sake! I opened up my locker to put some things away and get out my backpack when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I look over and I see that it is Wendy.   
“Hey Charlie!” She said cheerfully, “How’s it going?”   
I muttered, “I’m fine.”   
She smiled a little, like she was trying to cheer me up. Maybe she’s still upset that no one even knows my name, at least use it. She thinks it’s weird for the guys to call people by their nicknames, but I don’t mind everyone calling me the New Kid, even though I have a slight inkling that a majority of my classmates don’t know my name.  
“Well...I need to ask you something. It isn’t much, but hear me out,” She took a deep breath. She didn’t seem sure what my reaction to what she is going to ask was going to be, “I really don’t know much about you and I would like to get to know you better, do you want to come over tonight for a sleepover at 7:00 PM?”   
I… I just froze for a second… “What’s a sleepover?” I ask her, since I had never heard about sleepover before… “It’s something that girl’s get together and hang out at night!” Wendy cheerfully explains. I wanted to snap at her but I kept my mouth shut and nodded.  
She looks at me, giving me a look akin to pity. “So you really never heard of one before?”  
I shrug. I never really stayed in one place for longer than six months. What’s the point of knowing other people. Even though I did manage to befriend everyone in school--hello social media prowess--I usually hung out around adults. Adults who didn’t really care about little kids knowing how to handle knives or learned to play poker.  
I struggle to recall something that is similar to a sleepover. There was one time where I was with my friend Jay, a man in his twenties who always said that I was his kid cousin who was staying over his place during poker night. The two of us were tight, I would give out hand during the night, getting a cut of the earnings he made.   
Easiest time to make money, but I got a distinct feeling that hanging out with the girls will not be me becoming a mole for a few rounds of poker.   
“Not really,” I shrug, finally responding. Wendy did look a little off putted, probably because I was staring at her point blank as I reminisced about the good old times.  
“Well you’ll have the South Park experience. I throw the best slumber parties.” Wendy admits, not even a bit bashful. “It’s tonight and I’m inviting the other girls in our class.” She adds, giving me a small smile.  
I got a bit suspicious about this. When have popular kids ever let a stranger got to their things without doing something for them? I hope Wendy wasn’t like that. I mean she was nice as Callgirl, but i don’t know what she was like when she wasn’t her, plus what were the other girls going to say? They still think I'm a boy!  
“They still think I’m...you know.” I trail off and Wendy purses her lips.  
She nods, “Don’t worry, I have you covered. I’ll just say that you’re there to protect us from any crazy men,   
Since you do know some superheroes.” Wendy winks. Wendy fucking winks.   
It’s official, I love this girl. Even though she can occasionally be a two-faced bitch. She’s a good two-faced bitch.  
“I do have Call Girl’s (?) number,” I winked back and her eyes crinkle.  
“It might be better if you ask the Freedom Pals, the whole franchise plan.” Wendy rolls her eyes, but she’s amused by the statement. She shakes her head, “I swear the things those boys get into their heads.”  
I shrug. “At least they’re entertaining, even though they can sometimes be too much.”   
Some of the antics that they get up to is just plain crazy. Literally on the weekend we found out the abominable snowman is an actual thing and not a made up creature that older brothers tell their kid siblings about. Who knew that thing could control ice? I sure as hell didn’t, and at that point I was sick and tired of messing around. I almost got frostbite from that thing, and we weren’t even “playing” superheroes.   
Being out sick for three days does that to a person, and I honestly didn’t want to hang out with the gang after school, mainly I went to Token or hung around Jimmy’s place because at least they don’t constantly discover something different or have a maniac kill them every other day.  
While I do love that South Park is atypical, sometimes things get a bit too much. I need some semblance of normalcy, even if it is just to get my parent’s off my case since they, i.e. mom, have been getting on my case to get some girl friends. She says that it isn’t healthy for a girl to constantly spend her time with the boys and that I need to connect with other females even though she knows I’m a tomboy.  
‘At least Wendy’s cool,’ I think privately as I wave goodbye to my friend.   
She’s the only one who I even try to talk to because she knows my name, she knows I’m a girl, and she actually respects me. Although sometimes she gets all preachy and I get enough of that from Kyle, but I gotta admit she makes a few good points even if I am annoyed at the time.  
I put my things away in my locker and take out my history textbook and notebook before shutting it. I can’t wait until the end of the school day.  
\- - - - - - - - -  
I walked into my house after walking all the way from school and I had only shut the door as mom yelled from the kitchen, “Hi sweetie, how was school today?”   
“It was ok, stupid shit happened at school again.”   
“Oh that’s nice sweetie,” She said, not even bothering to ask what stupid shit happened, “Anyway your friends want to hang out with you today.”   
“Oh ok… By the way, Wendy wants me to come over at 7:00 pm for sleepover.”   
“Oh really?” my mom asks as she walked into the dining area, “Well this good, I’ll pack your things so you can be ready for the night!” She was about to head upstairs when she looked back and asked, “Oh, by the way, I made some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, can you bring some to Mrs. Black please?”   
A convenient excuse for me to go see my friends at the base of operations, but I think mom is having an aggressive sweets fight with Token’s mom. Everyone wants their sugar fix and I think delivering cookies and brownies--never again would I look at them the same way again--at one another is the new battlefield between parents.   
Honestly this is sort of like the time when I saw one of my neighbors--using that term loosely because I lived in the cul de sac next to them--would get into a competition with this wholesome red haired man. It was kind of entertaining, especially when I saw the two duke it out at a church bake sale. Too bad I didn’t stay in town for long because we had to leave because the feds were onto us.  
“Yes mom.” I chorus out, heading straight to the kitchen to grab a plate of cookies.  
“Love you.” She calls out from up the stairs.  
I sighed a little inwardly, thankful that I have my superhero costume in my bag. I’d think mom would be mad if she found it. She still doesn’t know that I am Deadly Silence otherwise known as the Farting Vigilante, even though I tried to correct the media about it.   
I sigh. ‘I swear this is worse than what Spider-man had to deal with. Stupid news anchormen.’  
Grabbing the plate of cookies I place them in my bag and quickly I spin around, costume in hand. It appears on my body and I am thankful that time pausing abilities are a thing and I can do it at will. There’s a reason why I spin around and then seemingly have the costume on. Everyone in Freedom Pals are still trying to find out how I did that. I am in my [hero outfit] and I bolted out of my home.  
It’s a common occurrence that Deadly Silence goes into the homes of common citizens. I’m surprised that no one even locks their doors, I can just stroll up inside and take their things.  
I’m surprised that no one even batted an eye that I would go into their homes before I became king. People should make the connection that the new kid on the block went into their homes and the newest hero does the same. Then again people in South Park are idiots who aren’t concerned about random people going into their homes almost daily without stopping me.  
Seriously, I don’t think there are a lot of break-ins around to make them cautious about things like this. Sure the occasional mob breaking into a house, but the majority of the town is in on it. The only one who even bothers to have some semblance of security is Token’s house and that’s because of the security guard and cameras.   
I swear every time I walk near there the man gives the evil eye. Like really man, you pissed that some kid managed to kick your ass? He had a taser gun and a baton the first time around and then he had to bring dogs and other security guards into it. We can settle this man to child like proper people. Still no matter what he tries to do, his ass keeps getting handed to him by me, and quite honestly I love it. The defeated look on his face, the frustration that he couldn’t keep one kid who hasn’t even reached puberty out of private property.  
I slap my face. God I’m starting to sound like Cartman. A hero shouldn’t derive some vendetta against an adult, even though everyone here is stupid. ‘And FPs do occasionally break into stores to steal recipes because we are too broke to pay for it. Well they are. I got tons of cash from stealing things, crafting, and selling them. I’m going to keep it and buy the new PS5, no way is it going to be on the franchise.’   
\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
I knocked on the door and waited outside Token’s house, holding the large plate of freshly baked cookies. Token’s mom, Mrs. Black answered the door, “Hello sweetie, how are you doing today?”   
“I’m good, got some cookies for you from the house of Dovahkiin.” She knows who I am by name, but I cannot let a reference slide past me. It’s the only reason why I even bothered to talk to her.  
“Oh-ho-ho, thank you. I’m gonna take these to the kitchen, my son and the others are in the basement.” Mrs. Black says as she promptly leaves.   
I swear Mrs. Black is the only one who knows about me being a hero, or at least she suspects it. She is the one who houses all the heroes, actual heroes, in her home. The only other person who knows about us is the asshole’s mom.  
I headed downstairs, the cool air of the A/C hits my face. It feels so good...I could just ignore the guys for a bit because today was an odd day that it was warm. I hear talking about something so I crept down the stairs slowly, attempting to hear as much of the conversation as I can. I’m Deadly Silence, stealth is literally implied in my name.  
“- Do you understand?” Cartman, or the Coon said.   
Why is that asshole here?  
“Oh geez fellas, I-i-i-i don’t know. I don’t want it to be like last time-”   
‘Butters? Why is he here? Wasn’t he banned from coming into our base? Seriously what is going on? Are we playing superheroes today or what?’ I take another step down the stairs trying to see what is going on.  
I have my phone out and start a text, just to prepare something to send to the guys. They can’t know that I’m listening to their conversation.  
“It won’t be like last time-” Token noticed me, “Hey New Kid!” I sighed, welp they saw me, and waved back at him in greeting.   
The others--who are dressed up in their superhero costumes--stop their conversation and turn to the stairs just as I texted in the group chat: Hey guys, there’s cookies upstairs if you want some of them!   
“Aw sweet, let’s go guys!”   
“I want the first cookie!”   
“No, I get the first cookie!” The guys ran upstairs, but Dr. Timothy (TIMMY!) and Capt. Diabetes stayed downstairs.   
I shoot a text to Dr. Timothy privately: Hey Dr. Timothy. Is it ok if you and Capt. Diabetes go upstairs so I can practice? It’s going to involve some… knifework.   
Telepathically, he replies, “Of course, come upstairs to the garden area when you are done, I need to discuss something with the group. Let us go, Captain Diabetes.”   
“Alright, but do you need any hel-?” Dr. Timothy had already teleported upstairs. Captain Diabetes just sighed and went up.  
Reality bending powers are sweet, but nothing beats focusing on actually honing your skills.  
Once everyone was out, I pull out a training dummy I took from Cartman’s backyard out from behind a curtain.   
‘Oh how fun it is to beat the shit out of these things,’ I think as I put it into position in front of a wall. I place a large piece of plywood behind it to make sure that the wall itself doesn’t get damaged. I back up until I’m close to the wall the stairs are on top of and, after I take off my pack, I aim at the dummy. When I feel like my aim was right, I hold my dagger by the blade and throw it. Thunk! Right in the shoulder.  
Throwing things is good for dealing with stress in my opinion. I’m not the greatest with throwing daggers, I’m better with darts, but uncle Jay O’Connell did teach me how to throw before I had to move from St. Louis, Missouri. He taught me how to throw because he’s a betting man, and he loves collecting blades. I’m thankful the throwing daggers and butterfly knife he gave me is still with me, as I hid them in a pouch in the side of my bag whenever my parents were moving.   
‘Thank Jesus that we never flew by plane,’ I think as I throw another knife into the training dummy. I walk up to the dummy to grab the four daggers lodged into the limbs on the dummy. Two were in the shoulders, one was on hand’s wrist joint, and the last was a little below the right shoulder. I’m trying to hit the chest cavity, but I’m still not the best. I should be able to hit it, I’m an assassin class and even though I can hit a target I want it to be a critical hit. Not to kill them, I’m no murderer, but I need to take down enemies.  
I did this for a while, my mind started to wander as I correct my aim. Mom nearly found my weapons earlier this morning. I need to be more careful, who knows what she or dad would do? Token and the guys have been up there for a while now, did Mrs. Black make one of her famous double stuffed brownies again? I hope she saved a piece for me again...Damn it! Too low. I need to aim higher…Maybe I should take a break and head upst-   
“What are you doing?” I yelped and threw the knife I had in my hand. THACK! Right through the dummy’s head, hitting the plywood, cracking it. I whirled around, grabbing who it was behind me and pulled out a knife, holding it at their throat. I was shocked to see it was Mysterion. I put the knife away and set him down. I muttered a quick “Sorry,” before trying to flee upstairs.  
Mysterion grabs my arm, the one holding the knife, and I freeze.   
“Douchebag it’s cool.” He says in his gruff voice. “No harm done, not that you can do anything.”  
I opened my mouth, and tried to form words. My tongue is heavy and I sigh. I quickly put my knives away, tearing my arm out of his hold, and grab my phone. Unlocking it, looking at my rated G Creek background I go to messages and type out my response: [I could have done some harm.]  
“Right.”  
I scowl. [I could have and it would have been sweet.]  
“Then you would have to deal with people looking at you like a murderer for a day. Hearing Human Kite calling you a bastard.” He dryly remarks and quirks his mouth when he sees me scowling.  
I would have typed something, but I decided to glare at my friend.  
“Sick moves bro, I thought the Coon was sneaking in here to lay waste to the doll.”  
[Why was he here anyway, along with Professor Chaos?] I type out.  
“We aren’t going to be playing superheroes for long today. In fact there was a meeting called specifically for that.”  
I try not to narrow my eyes at Mysterion. I didn’t get a text or even a notification on Coonstagram or Facebook about this.   
What exactly are they hiding?  
‘No I shouldn’t be concerned about that. It’s a good excuse because I need to get to Wendy’s now.’  
I type on my phone: [Got it. I have to go early too. I have some chores to do.]  
“Dude, that sucks. Here,” he hands me something from his hand. It’s a brownie from upstairs, “I was going to hand you this before the whole you know.”  
I nod and I take a bite from the brownie. It’s nice and gooey, like it just came straight from the oven.   
Damn, Mrs. Black makes some killer confections. I wonder if everyone is eating them along with the cookies I brought over.  
Thanks.  
I don’t look him in the eye as I stuff my face with the brownie. I walk toward the stairs as I licked my lips for any remaining chocolate stuck on my face. I look out of the corner of my eye to see that Mysterion is following me.  
“No problem.” He chuckles. “You’re worse than my sister when she sees meat.”  
I huff as I go up the stairs, not even othering with a response. I swear Mysterion has a sister complex, but it’s nice to have siblings who stick by you. You could have siblings like Shelly who would rather be mean to her brother or Ike who occasionally annoys Kyle but the redhead loves him.   
I open the door for Mysterion to go through, and I stare at his back as the two of us go into the kitchen. I figure that Mrs. Black would like me to hand Mom her brownies, and I wonder what else the two adults would bake the next time they cross paths.  
Everyone is eating the cookies that I brought over along with the brownies. Mrs. Black has a plate of fudge with plastic over it and she hands it over to me.  
“This is for the Mistress of the Dovahkiin House,” Mrs. Black winks and I nodded.  
I love it when Mrs. Black plays along with this. Normally she is a serious but kind woman, but I guess her son LARPing managed to open her up to it. Even though they haven’t played wizards and elves for a while. ‘Superheroes are cool enough,’ I think as I accept the treats.  
“No fair why does Douchebag get to get the fudge?” Mosquito asks as he grabs for one of the cookies.  
“Yeah come on Douchebag you got to share.” Kyle echos out as he eats his brownie.  
“Now now boys, your friend brought over his mother’s cookies today.” Mrs. Black informs them and I can’t help but sigh.  
Even though Mom and Dad are okay with Mr. Mackey knowing that I’m a girl, they still haven’t told the other parents. I guess they want me to break the news, but I’d rather keep the news to myself. It isn’t a big deal, even though it can get irritating with being called a guy after a stressful or tiring day.   
I wave goodbye at the group and walk out of the mansion. I take a piece of fudge out of the plate and munch on it as I head home.   
As I was going past the movie theatre, Professor Timothy appears before me. He has a cookie in his hand and he is munching on it.   
“Hello Charlie.” Professor Timothy said telepathically.   
‘Hi,’ I think back.  
“Come walk with me to the playground, we have much to discuss.”  
I follow him as we make our way down the streets.   
“There is a disturbance in town ever since the incident with the Coon as Mitch Connor.” Professor Timothy states, “I consulted the resident expert on cheese, and the effects are not the best. They give their victims cravings.”  
‘Like pot?’  
“Worse. People are faced with intense sugar cravings, and they need to get their fix. Drugs are at an all time low, but the munchies are not going down. There is a reason why we had to steal those recipes.”  
‘So it wasn’t because we wanted to eat their food without having to pay for it?’  
“Unofficially yes, but officially no. It wasn’t me who sanctioned those missions. I just didn’t stop it.”  
I stare at the Professor as we enter the playground. ‘I guess someone wanted to eat some good food.’  
“You did the same Charlie.”  
‘I didn’t mean to think that.’  
“I know. Anyway, there has been a lot of ready pastries being sold out. There is barely enough for us kids.”  
`I really don’t want my Ho-hos and Ding-dongs to be sold out.’  
“Neither does everyone else. We need to try to get enough for the whole school if there is not going to be enough if parents are just going to buy all of them while we are all gone.”  
‘I bet Dad is going to be eating all of them, fucking pig.’  
“I recall there was an incident.”  
I tense up in the playground and Professor Timmy catches on to it.   
“Don’t worry. I won’t pry, it doesn’t involve the Freedom Pals and it’s relatively harmless correct?”  
I suppress the second timeline’s memories, no need for it to be in the forefront. It was a horrible few years I lived through.  
“Well, I’d like for you to keep an eye on this. I might need you to do some more reconnaissance work in the near future.”  
‘I got it.’  
“I’ll see you soon then. Mysterion and Tupperware are worried about me.” Professor Timothy said before teleporting out of the playground.  
I leave out through the back of the playground, needing to go home. I have to get ready for Wendy’s sleepover, not to mention to look up online what you do with a girl’s sleepover.   
I might not be able to do everything at the girl’s sleepover, but I could find out what I need to do. I check my phone to check the time. It’s getting close to the meeting time, at seven. It’s five twenty-four and Wendy shot me a text when I was walking home to be there an hour before the sleepover. That way all the girls can get used to me being there, and I can actually meet them properly instead of occasionally seeing them in the halls and trying not to get a lot of guys to see us together. The whole, Girls vs. Boys is still going on, and a majority of people are ignoring the other side. However, they will give you and the opposite gender the stink eye if you aren’t dating. If dating was anything like what Heidi has got Cartman, I’d avoid it, but…surely not everyone is a shitty ass fuckwad like him.


End file.
